Trump whines his way toward the ultimate conservative fantasy

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The news, in brief …

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Tell me bumbling good …

There’s a certain category of urban legend that only spreads by word of mouth via overworked, working-class uncles.

At the center of this story is a gainfully employed layabout, an unnamed, possibly mythical “friend of a friend.” Even if this person works for the same employer as the uncle, they are far enough removed – in another department or on a different shift – to discourage follow-up questions. This apocryphal lazybones is defined by two traits. They’re comically opposed to hard work and the duties of their job while also being almost impossibly protected from retribution by their employment contract.

The storyteller uncle’s audience is meant to gasp at stories of this person’s laziness and incompetence, sympathizing of course with the uncle, who sweats for every dollar and, unlike Person X, takes pride in his work. Out of politeness, you extend this assumption even if you’ve seen the teller head for the sofa when the time comes to clear the table or grab a broom at family gatherings. This avuncular tall tale, as you may have noticed, shares more than a bit of its DNA with the campfire stories of the modern conservative movement, cock-and-bull recollections about welfare queens, greedy unions and college students run amok.

As blood-stirring antidotes go, it’s a good one. You can see why Republicans keep returning to it. Anyone who has worked for a wage has shared space with someone whose work was so shoddy that it made you angry to receive the same salary at week’s end. And painting a significant portion of the country as entitled and lazy helps keep the grievance machine turning, even among well-off people who have no real reason to complain.

Like many Republican allegations, the idea that “no one wants to work” comes from a deep fear of being found out. A look at the recent actions of top-level Republicans unveils a bone-deep need for attaboys, no matter how bad they are at their jobs. After an ICE agent fatally shot an American citizen in the face in Minneapolis, Kristi Noem and the rest of the Trump administration rushed to praise the hard work of DHS employees.

Bari Weiss and Tony Dokoupil have been rocketed to the top of their professions, it would seem, for their willingness to meet MAGA halfway. The increased scrutiny that’s come with their ascent, however, has revealed them to be hilariously inept. Pete Hegseth leapt to his current role at the Pentagon after serving as a C-tier anchor on Fox News. He’s spent the months since demanding respect from the press while bumbling his way through scandal after scandal.

President Donald Trump has been animated by a lack of respect his entire life, raging against any and all criticism of his business acumen and his enduring belief in all kinds of conspiracy theories. Trump coasted his way to power on a road paved by decades of these stories about undeserving “takers.” . So long as he pointed out the unfair accolades being lavished upon coastal elites, this wealthy scion could win the hearts of people who felt they never got the praise they were due.

That brings us to Trump’s latest Rodney Dangerfield-style lament. Despite his continued support for a genocide in Gaza, past deadly strikes throughout the Middle East, and his recent low-energy coup in Venezuela, the president still believes he’s owed the Nobel Peace Prize. That the prize’s actual winner this year, Venezuela’s María Corina Machado, says she’s willing to share it with him reflects a savvy understanding of how to manipulate the Trump administration.

What’s the moral of this story? It may not have one, except that it’s not enough for right-wing men to be just as unaccountable, lazy and talentless as those fictional villains in uncle-anecdotes. They also require the world to shower prizes on them for their bumbling, second-rate work.

What do you think? Could all of this have been avoided if Mark Burnett gave Trump a few more pats on the back? Is there a timeline where Pete Hegseth took over Tucker Carlson’s slot and we stayed out of the Caribbean? Sound off in the comments.

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